Ok, I made that up.
But everyone is talking about how Stephon Marbury’s days with the Knicks might be numbered. And yes, no team is going to take the 2 years, $42 million left on his contract in a trade. But even if he is bought out, I really can’t think of an NBA team that would reasonably sign the team killer. That being said, somebody would have to, right?
BTW, the breaking news found via Slam Online is that Starbury has gone AWOL.
So, in the event that the Knicks do cut Marbury loose, I’ve scoured NBA rosters to see which teams may just give the guy a chance. Starting with the least likely victim and ending with the most likely.
7) The New York Knicks – Really…would this scenario be that far-fetched? Isiah would have the new contract sent before he realized that the New York-born, former All-Star guard, that he could get on the cheap, was the guy he just cut.
6) The Sacramento Kings - Mike Bibby is going to be out for at least 8 more weeks with a torn thumb ligament. Plus the Kings suck this year, I picked them to finish with the worst record in the league. On top of all that, they are no longer selling out Arco Arena. So what are the Maloof brothers to do? What any shady casino owner would do…something crazy to sell tickets. Could you imagine Marbury and Artest on the floor at the same time fighting over the ball? Or just fighting in general. Personally, I wouldn’t pay to see it, but maybe there’d be a chance for some PPV duckets. Or….they could use Starbury to guarantee a sabotage of the team so they could move the Kings to Sin City, The Major League Theory. The owner of the Cleveland Indians in that movie was a former Las Vegas showgirl…coincidence?
5) The Atlanta Hawks – You just feel like some of the high flying Hawks are deprived without a good point guard. Then you realize that they drafted Marvin Williams over Chris Paul and Deron Williams, and you start to feel sick to your stomach. Could you imagine either of them with Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Al Horford and Josh Childress? Tyronn Lue and the perpetually injured Speedy Claxton just aren’t cutting it, and Acie Law is just a rookie. Strike that…considering the latest with Josh Smith, not to mention terrible ownership, the Hawks don’t need a potential triple dose of cancer.
4) The Indiana Pacers – Larry Bird has never liked Jamaal Tinsley. And I’m pretty sure that he hates Marbury. But think for a second, the Pacers are off to a halfway decent start. I certainly didn’t expect them to be 3-3 at this point. So what if they are in contention for a playoff spot in the Leastern Conference? There couldn’t be a better way for Larry Bird to stick it to that a-hole Isiah than by taking his cast-away on the cheap and flipping it into something.
3) The Miami Heat – Pat Riley is desperate. The Shaq window closing like a guillotine. Hell, I bet he even has the numbers of Jayson Williams and Keon Clark on speed-dial. Stephon would be a gift from heaven. Penny, Starbury, Smush and White Chocolate….if those names don’t say ‘And1 Championship’, then I don’t know what…..aw crap, let me just stop right there.
2) The Los Angeles Lakers – Mitch Kupchak to Kobe Bryant: “Hey, you said that you wanted some All-Star caliber help….now go f*ck yourself.”
1) The Boston Celtics – This might make the most sense. Here’s a hypothetical conversation between Kevin Garnett and Marbury:
KG: What up man? Can’t believe the Knicks cut you kid.
SM: That’s a’ight son, it’s been a tough summer. Funny thing is, Isiah was in that car with me. We tag-teamed both that intern and Anucha. That’s the last time I share anything with that dude.
KG: Uh….(pause)…well anyway, what about coming to play for the Celtics? We could use the depth…and Danny ain’t gonna pay you much. But still, we could recreate the good ol’ days with the T-Wolves, with some more sharing of course. And, you got that shot at a ring.
SM: Aww…really KG?!? (said with child-like enthusiasm) For really real? You think they got a spot for Coney Island’s Finest?
KG: Yea homey…but here’s the deal, you ever seen that movie Full Metal Jacket? No? Well, let me put it this way, if you go all Private Pyle on us, we gonna strap you to a bed and beat you with bars of soap in socks until you’re peeing out yo ass. Or, if you like vague 1983, Sean Penn, BadBoys movie references, it’ll be Coke cans instead of soap. Do you smell what I’m stepping in?
SM: (walks over and gives KG a big hug)
Hey, it could happen. I’m just sayin’