It’s never too early to look at the schedule and start guessing what might happen as a team known for its “relaxed” locker room tries to get serious enough to win a title. DocFunk provides us with the hypothetical antics of the Wizards, and the NBA…
10/27 at Dallas: Gilbert Arenas arrives in a sparkling chariot. He is carried on to the court by his teammates where he shares a flawless 12-step handshake with President Obama (who made the trip). At which point, a teary-eyed Mark Cuban calls Arenas a thug and runs down the tunnel, spilling his ice cream cone in the process. You are probably going to want to see this.
10/30 at Atlanta: So hey, Zaza. You get my call? Over the summer. Oh, okay… I mean we left like seven voice mails… Nah, its cool… jerk.
10/31 vs New Jersey: In celebration of Halloween, JaVale McGee brings his Wolverine claws. Not to be outdone, the Nets’ Sean Williams brings a sawed-off shotgun.
11/3 at Cleveland: LeBron refuses to shake hands on account of his spontaneous leprosy.
11/4 vs Miami: Michael Beasley can’t stop giggling at the Wizards’ logo. AYO, WHY GANDOLF’S JUNK BLUE?
11/6 at Indiana: Larry Bird offers to take Mike Miller and Fabricio Oberto off our hands. Oberto fails his physical for “swarthiness.”
11/8 vs Phoenix: Brook Lopez and Mike Miller trade hair tips.
11/10 at Miami: With Mario Chalmers nursing a minor injury, Chris Quinn starts at PG. That’s the entire joke.
11/14 vs Detroit: Joe Dumars suspends Chauncey Billups for not showing up to practice only to be informed he traded Billups two seasons ago.
11/18 vs Cleveland: LeBron debuts his Koala Dribble in which he stares blankly from the top of the key prior to putting Daniel Gibson in his pouch.
11/20 at Oklahoma City: So hey, Durant… one of my roommates is moving out in 2012. I’ve got a six year lease with your name on it.
11/21 at San Antonio: Roger Mason, Jr. and Fabricio Oberto nod knowingly.
11/24 vs Philadelphia: Eddie Jordan’s iPod has Nas’ “Hate Me Now” on repeat. He never breaks eye contact with Ernie Grunfeld for the entire duration of the game.
11/27 at Miami: Dwyane Wade and Gilbert Arenas combine for 100 free throws.
11/28 vs Charlotte: Bob Johnson, Bobcats owner and African-American entrepreneur, is invited to speak to the team about leadership and responsibility. Afterwords there are at least six questions pertaining to the cancellation of “BET Uncut” and if Johnson was directly involved with that decision.
12/1 at Toronto: Fabricio Oberto scrawls his BlackBerry Messenger # on a paper airplane he glides towards the Toronto owner’s box.
12/2 vs Milwaukee: The Bucks’ financial woes result in the game taking place at a Milwaukee community center. The Wizards have to shoot on the side with the bent rim.
12/4 vs Toronto: Chris Bosh skips the game to attend the premiere of his latest film “Bosh Wearing Costumes 7.” Even Clinton Portis thinks it’s lame.
12/6 at Detroit: Gilbert Arenas offers Ben Wallace $25,000 to punch Kwame Brown in the face. Ben does it for free.
12/10 vs Boston: Flip Saunders scolds ‘Sheed and KG for using swear words in front of Andray Blatche.
12/12 vs Indiana: During a particularly spectacular dunk, Danny Granger exhales onto the backboard and scrawls “HELP ME!” backwards with his free hand. It’s as if he’s been practicing that for four years.
12/14 at LA Clippers: Hometown kid Nick Young gives the Wizards a city tour which ends up being a pretty accurate reenactment of Training Day.
12/16 at Sacramento: Mayor Kevin Johnson makes inappropriate advances towards Mike Miller.
12/18 at Golden State: The greatest unorganized game of professional basketball ever played. David Stern has the tapes burned afterward.
12/19 at Phoenix: Not content with Robin Lopez and Taylor Griffin, the Suns offer to sign Mike James’ six siblings.
12/22 vs Philadelphia: Still working out the kinks in his Princeton offense, Eddie Jordan uses a whiteboard and 45 minutes of his personal time to explain to Thaddeus Young what an assist is.
12/23 at Milwaukee: Mike Miller wins Miss Wisconsin 2009. The results weren’t as close as you think.
12/26 at Minnesota: So… what’d you do with that draft pick we traded you?
12/28 at Memphis: During a 2nd quarter jump-ball between JaVale McGee and Hasheem Thabeet, a Chinese satellite is knocked out of orbit.
12/29 vs Oklahoma City: Oh hey Kevin, you ever dreamt of being Vice President? We should talk.
1/2 vs San Antonio: DeJaun Blair doesn’t play, thus ruining a “told you so” column that every DC-area sportswriter penned months in advance.
1/5 at Philadelphia: Eddie Jordan won’t hint at what his New Years resolution was. Randy Ayers divulges Jordan has been watching Kill Bill non-stop.
1/6 at Cleveland: LeBron is dunked on by Nick Young. A mass execution follows.
1/8 vs Orlando: Dwight Howard dunks on the Washington Monument. This is not a legal basketball play.
1/10 vs New Orleans: Byron Scott and Flip Saunders have a folded-arms contest that goes on well into the night.
1/12 vs Detroit: Flip Saunders adopts Eddie Jordan’s “Hate Me Now” motivation. An amped up Flip storms the court during introductions screaming “Escobar season has returned!” Pistons’ head coach, Jon Kuester, forfeits the game immediately.
1/13 at Atlanta: Nick Young gets the Wizards’ team plane candy-painted.
1/15 at Chicago: Dominic McGuire looks directly at Joakim Noah and is turned to stone; still pulls down 5 rebounds.
1/16 vs Sacramento: I’m not sure how, but John Wall is starting for the Kings.
1/18 vs Portland: Gilbert Arenas and Greg Oden collide on a play. Earth ceases rotating.
1/20 vs Dallas: Free-agent to-be Drew Gooden claims he’d fit in with the Wizards’ goofballs. The Wizards unanimously agree that Gooden is a “trying too hard” type of goofball and not a natural “goofball,” thereby will not be joining the team next season.
1/22 vs Miami: Dwyane Wade falls down six times and gets up 11 times, confusing mathematicians and gymnasts alike.
1/24 vs LA Clippers: DeAndre Jordan defeats JaVale McGee six dunks to three.
1/26 vs LA Lakers: Arenas drops 40 and Kobe gives his requisite condescending “he’s good when he’s on / he’s good for a scorer” comment in the post-game interview.
1/29 at New Jersey: Jarvis Hayes has 10 points, 0 assists, 0 rebounds, 0 steals, and 0 blocks in 25 minutes. Also, Rafer Alston does something stupid.
1/30 vs New York: A scorekeeper slips into a dehydration induced coma when the Wizards and Knicks combine for 300 shots.
2/1 vs Boston: Rajon Rondo impales Mike James with a javelin. James is called for the offensive foul. The NBA reacts by banning javelins from the court during the last 10 seconds of the shot clock.
2/3 at New York: Mike D’Antoni instructs Al Harrington to walk into the visitors locker room with a post-it note on his forehead reading “Mike Miller, please.”
2/5 at Orlando: Vince Carter rolls his ankle in the 1st quarter. He re-inserts himself into the game precisely when his backup starts heating up only to roll his ankle for real.
2/6 vs Atlanta: Joe Johnson puts the team on his back despite being up 10 at the half. Hawks lose by 12.
2/9 at Charlotte: Gerald Wallace flies into something at a high rate of speed. Luckily, surgeons gave him OnStar last season.
2/17 vs Minnesota: Ricky Rubio plays his first g… just kidding.
2/19 vs Denver: Things get awkward when Mike James finds a tattoo of himself hidden in Birdman’s elaborate sleeve.
2/20 at Toronto: Brian Colangelo makes the inevitable move that transitions him from “Genius” to “Not as smart as he thinks he is” just like Joe Dumars before him.
2/22 vs Chicago: Antawn Jamison defeats the great Noah with his ingenious use of a mirror. Jamison is officially knighted after the game.
2/24 vs Memphis: Andray Blatche confuses Marc Gasol with Che Guevera. Sadly, “Thats the guy from the t-shirt” is not descriptive enough to satisfy his teammates.
2/26 vs New York: Nate Robinson jumps over Javaris Crittenton. This is a technical foul, as Javaris was sitting on the bench at the time.
2/28 at New Jersey: Looking for a place the eat, the team holds a vote and unanimously decides on “DC.” Also, Rafer Alston does something stupid.
3/3 at Milwaukee: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Hakim Warrick, and JaVale McGee perform “Hands Across America” by themselves.
3/5 vs Milwaukee: Brandon Jennings shows up 25 minutes late and plays the game in the Tony Montana white suit jacket. Scott Skiles does not report for work the next day.
3/7: at Boston: Rajon Rondo cannibalizes Javaris Crittenton. Rondo is fined for leaving the bench area.
3/9 vs Houston: Remember when Yao dunked on JaVale McGee last season? Not so jovial now, are we?!
3/12 at Detroit: JaVale McGee, Tayshaun Prince, and Austin Daye collide. Have you ever tried to untangle two slinkys? It’s a lot like that.
3/13 vs Orlando: Rashard Lewis leaves a goatee hair on the hallway water fountain. Andray Blatche is convinced it’s a pube.
3/15 at Utah: We’ve actually got a bit of a headache. No no, it’s not like that. The game was great and we love what you’ve done with the place. We really would love to stay and chat, but we’d better get moving to Denver. Remind me to take you up on your offer next time.
3/16 at Denver: The paternity tests are in. DeShawn Stevenson is informed he is JR Smith’s father.
3/19 at Portland: “Is Brandon Roy the new Gilbert Arenas?” becomes the new “Is Greg Oden the new Sam Bowie?”
3/21 at LA Lakers: Ron Artest’s 20-5-5 performance earns him a spirit animal from Phil Jackson: The Box Jellyfish. Ron Artest demands a trade.
3/23 vs Charlotte: Gerald Henderson gets boo’d at the Verizon Center and all is right in the world.
3/24 at Indiana: Tyler Hansbrough asks Brendan Haywood for NBA advice. Brendan calls Tyler “a gay” and giggles to himself for what seems like an eternity.
3/26 at Charlotte: Michael Jordan stops by to pick up a paycheck. He can’t stay as he is busy searching for the real franchise killer.
3/27 vs Utah: The Wizards are unable to stop Jerry Sloan’s pick-and-roll. Sales of Flip Saunders’ DVD plummet.
3/30 at Houston: The Rockets start Aaron Brooks and four 6’8″ players. Andray Blatche pulls down a season high four rebounds.
3/31 at New Orleans: Flip Saunders wisely gives Arenas a day of rest. It has nothing to do with Chris Paul. NOTHING AT ALL.
4/2 vs Chicago: Gilbert keeps asking Kirk Hinrich how he got rid of the lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
4/4 vs New Jersey: The Nets visit the Wizards, but Kiki Vandeweghe has been in Virginia for weeks camping out on Ed Davis’ front lawn.
4/6 vs Golden State: Don Nelson demands Wizards’ assistant coach Sam Cassell stop smiling at him during timeouts. It’s giving him bad vibes.
4/7 at Orlando: Randy Foye rides Space Mountain like five times, ate two HUGE turkey legs, and took a picture with Goofy. This was the best road trip EVER! Oh, the Wizards lost by 17.
4/9 at Boston: Eddie House and DeShawn Stevenson play an entertaining game of H-O-R-S-E during the second quarter. Both are benched for the remainder of the game.
4/10 vs Atlanta: Local Comcast Sportsnet cameras catch a glimpse of Josh Smith smiling. Smith claims he was about to sneeze.
4/12 at New York: All the Wizards go and see Wicked. Well, everyone except Brendan Haywood. He’s a man of misguided principle.
4/14 at Indiana: Danny Granger concludes his fifth season by committing seppuku at halfcourt. The Wizards’ locker room is more joyful as they win their 60th game of the season.
When not contributing to Truth About It, Sujoy Paul can be found falsely prophesizing on twitter @docfunk