Dear LeBron Raymone James…
OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS, you’ve accomplished some incredible feats.
You are a two-time league MVP; you won NBA Rookie of the Year; you’re a six-time NBA All-Star; a NBA Scoring Champion; one of five players in NBA history to average over 25 points, 7 rebounds and 7 assists in a season – which you have done four times; one of just three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points, 10 rebounds and 7 assists in a postseason series; and you hold the record for the most consecutive points scored for a team in a playoff game with 25 straight hero-points against the Detroit Pistons in 2007, just to name a few.
(For additional ego-stroking, click here)
If you would allow me to speak freely, you should stay far, far away from Miami.
For starters, oil from the Deepwater Horizon catastrophe (surely, you’ve heard of this) is likely to keep moving east because of the so-called “loop current,” according to NOAA officials. To make matters worse than they already are, the likelihood of the Gulf oil spill hitting the Keys and the southeastern coast of Florida is greater than the likelihood of you making a free throw (80 percent)! I know.
And then, there is Bosh. John Krolic of CAVS: the blog reminded us that he has fewer player of the month awards than you have MVPs. You’re not even in the same league as Bosh. In fact, he has become part of the “LeBron-Wade-Bosh” trinity, triumvirate, chimera, in large part because he doesn’t have Amar’e Stoudemire’s baggage. Bosh has also been adamant about his desire to play power forward, but on this Heat team, he is the default center. Oh, and Brendan Haywood has been locked up by Dallas for years.
Dwyane would make a pretty good sidekick. But, he is almost as old as Joe Johnson. He’ll probably get hurt, too.
But I’ll make this curt. I don’t want to keep you from making fashionably late appearances at basketball camps, or throwing up smokescreens, or boarding your private jet fueled by playoff tears and poor sportsmanship.
Sign with Chicago.
Chicago can offer you a stud point guard in Derrick Rose, a reliable inside scoring threat in Carlos Boozer, a maniacal double-double machine in Joakim Noah, a soft-spoken cerebral wing in Luol Deng, and an open roster spot for you! It’s a perfect marriage.
You can find an Anthony Parker-type, a one-dimensional three point shooter in free agency. Mike Miller is a big fan of yours. I know that your main concern on the basketball court is finding a solid supporting cast – the Bulls definitely give you that, at least a more complete package than the Heat do.
This way, you can pick up an NBA title (or two), the Wizards will have a chance be crowned Southeast Division Champions before 2015, and winning the John Wall lottery won’t have been for naught.
I ask you, humbly of course, to consider this request. Miami is D-Wade’s house; you would just be a witness.