Top 5 Potentially Most #SoWizards Draft Picks
The Wizards, on Tuesday, landed the third overall pick in the 2012-13 NBA Draft … and they will do with it what they please, your miseducated speculation and dime-store mock drafts be damned.
So Truth About It.net turned to online scouting regurgitations, mostly intuition, and a wing and a prayer to come up with a list of the most potentially #SoWizards players who could soon be given a fanny-pack embroidered with a scarlet Wizards logo, a spot on the roster, and a pain in our hearts.
#1) Rudy Gobert
At some point in time, Ernie Grunfeld yelled, to no one in particular, “Well, why don’t you just calculate a player’s ability to calculate!!?”
He was being facetious, but some scientist got right on it. Well, at least the guy was wearing a lab coat. He was also wearing a G-Wiz mascot uniform under that.
Grunfeld then, himself, went on to measure Frenchman Rudy Gobert’s 7-foot-9 wingspan in Grunfeld head-lengths (hey, that’s just his system… the answer is 5.138, by the way—Ernie has a really long head). Grunfeld also calculated Gobert’s 238-pound weight in Grunfeld heads, and it just so happened to be the very same number.
So it was determined that Gobert would be the third overall pick, especially since he can exchange “je m’appelles” and “toute de suites” with Kevin Seraphin and Snakey all season long, much to the chagrin of Randy Wittman. Take that, analytics!
#2) Alex Len
Here I am, 32-plus years in age and reverse five-plus years in Wizards blogger life, and I just recently realized that local Maryland Terrapin Alex Len is from Ukraine. And if he wasn’t the son of a coal miner, he still knew plenty of brovas in his hometown of Antratsyt with the black lung (the city is literally named after a type of coal). The kicker: Len’s real first name is “Oleksiy.”
Applying Seinfeldian principles to basketball, we know that Ukraine is weak. Thus, Len would make the perfect weight-training partner for Jan Vesely—the pertinent exercise being deep squat thrusts where the portion of the body closest to the ground (the “hind parts”) must pick up, lift, and suspend a previously grounded coconut (or honeydew melon) with each thrust. Alex Len it is.
#3) Lucas Nogiera
There is a guy called “Bebe” in the 2013 draft, no relation to the clothing line. Nor is he related to the Portuguese homeless man turned Manchester United forward (now on loan). This guy, Lucas “Bebe” Nogiera, is from Brazil. As history shows, the Wizards already have a guy from Brazil (two of ‘em, actually), which truly makes Ted Leonsis want to use Caipirinhas for mouthwash.
The Wizards’ Brazilian calls himself “Nene,” in lieu of his Brazilian gubment name, Maybyner Rodney Hilário (weird, sometimes he seems like more of a ‘Rodney’). “Nene” evidently means “Baby” in Portuguese, according to the “What Single Name Will Your Brazilian Future Sports Star Baby Eventually Change His or Her Birth Name To?” baby book, ironically not available on Amazon.com (the Amazon selection is becoming increasingly limited in Brazil).
NBA.com’s David Aldridge calls Bebe the second coming of Nene. In any case, Randy Wittman wonders what he’s going to do with all these goddamned kids. Can’t baby them.
#4) Shabazz Muhammed
A known age-falsifier, Shabazz is likely the second coming of the Nick Young-Calbert Cheaney-Jarvis Hayes love-child (circa 1993). Like Cheaney, Muhammed is one of those weird left-handed folks. Like Nick Young, he is not right-minded. And like Jarvis Hayes, he’s going to fucking suck.
Nonetheless, the Wizards shall take Muhammed third overall because his dad is the dad version of JaVale McGee’s mom. And with all these goddamn kids Randy Wittman keeps bitching about, there simply must be more parental supervision these days.
#5) Ondrej Balvin
Ondrej Balvin is quite possibly next in the pipeline of Grunfeld Czech-mates. He’s from a quaint little town in the Czech Republic called Usti nad Labem, which, according to Wikipedia, means “River Mouth.” About 13 years ago in River Mouth, they literally tried to build a wall to separate Gypsies from non-Gypsies.
Ernie Grunfeld is not 100 percent sure how this plays with his Romanian sensibilities, but he’s willing to roll the dice, especially since he’ll be able to further use the Czech National team as a farm system by proxy. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Ondrej is the lad pictured at the top of this post. He enjoys pea soup, walks along Matiční Street, pretending he’s a model in the creepy 1995 Calvin Klevin ad campaign, and in his spare time, trains cats to be leash-friendly.
If you see Ondrej driving his whip around town, perhaps cruising across the Mariansky Bridge, give him a wave. You’ll notice his broken-down Yugo (called a “Trevor Ariza” in the Czech Republic) has “EuroBasket 2013 or BUST!!” scribbled in white shoe-polish on the rear window a la some high school girls softball team in a mini-van caravan en route to a tournament in Florida.