Summer of #KevinSeraphinLife: Blood, Sweat, Instagram | Truth About It.net

Summer of #KevinSeraphinLife: Blood, Sweat, Instagram

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Updated: August 23, 2013

SummerofSeraphin copy

You know the saying… Seraphins just wanna have fun.

As I’m sure many readers are aware, it is the NBA offseason. Has been for some time. And your Washington Wizards have been busy, each in their own way. Bradley Beal is falling in love. John Wall has been busy providing for his future kids’ kids. Martell Webster has been busy providing for his actual kids, and playing with them, and playing with other people and their kids. On all that is holy, I hope that Nene has been sitting in a La-Z-Boy watching old episodes of Viagem Estrela.

What about Washington’s French Guianian backup big man? We know he decided to pass (a rarity) on Eurobasket 2013 in favor of NBA-focused workouts. Apparently, NBA-focused workouts can take place pretty much anywhere: Paris, D.C., Miami, and French Guiana have all been backdrops to this summer of Seraphin. If you’re looking for a multimedia essay, Kevin’s social media accounts are a good place to start. A picture is worth a thousand words, and Kevin has posted more than 1,200 photos on his Instagram account alone. That’s 1,200,000 words.

You could really lose yourself in what Kevin Seraphin has appropriately dubbed and hashtagged the “#KevinSeraphinLife.” Many of us have lived the #KevinSeraphinLife vicariously, and it has been GLORIOUS.

Before we dive headfirst into Kevin Seraphin’s Instagram-heavy summer, TAI’s Adam McGinnis and John Converse Townsend tackle some burning questions about Seraphin’s … life:

Q: What should Seraphin be spending his time on this offseason?

Adam McGinnis (@AdamMcGinnis): 

He should be picking up the sport of boxing, posing for photos at the beach, and exploiting the hashtag #KevinSeraphinLife as much as possible in his selfies. OK, that is what he has revealed to us on his various social media outlets, that’s what he has been spending the bulk of his time partaking in. He should be figuring out how to not be the most inefficient player in the NBA and repeating an up-and-under move so he can improve drastically on his lack of free throw opportunities.

John Converse Townsend (@JohnCTownsend):

McGinnis is right. Working on getting to the free throw line would be huge. Nene, for example, played 62 fewer minutes than Seraphin last season, but attempted 181 more free throws!

I would really like to see Seraphin come back with a bad attitude. Not the divisive, locker-room spoiling variety, mind you, but one where he checks in to every game looking to punish opposing defenses. When the Wizards drafted him in 2010, he told the media he was all about the rebound, the blocked shot, and toughness. Seraphin even pounded his right fist into his open left palm to drive his point home. That’s the Seraphin we all expected. This is the one we’ve seen so far.

Last season, the big man played in a career-high 79 games … but he posted career-lows in ORB%, DRB%, TRB%, STL%, BLK%, TS%, Ortg, Offensive Win Shares, and Offensive Win Shares per 48 minutes (and his box score contributions were worth -4.9 wins for the season).

Q: Chances are he’s not doing that. What do you think Seraphin has been spending his time on this offseason?

Adam McGinnis (@AdamMcGinnis): 

The number one thing his offseason has done is piss off many French basketball fans when he decided to skip out on playing for the French national team at Eurobasket. He has been working out with Wizards coaches at the Verizon Center and going through grueling workouts with his personal trainer. Goofing around with his brother, Steve, on a Segway and making his sidekick Lucky Righty shoot video of him has been common activity of the man sometimes known as “Snakey.”

John Converse Townsend (@JohnCTownsend):

Seraphin is (hopefully) doing just that—getting tougher.

But, c’mon, Seraphin should be allowed to have a little fun. There’s that saying that all work and no play makes John a dull boy (or a “Honza” in the Czech Republic, and one Honza on the team is more than enough). Plus, spending countless hours in the gym, and only in the gym, might not be the best idea, either. At least according to a “significant number” of coaches, players, general managers and talent-development experts who met at the Leaders in Performance conference this year in New York.

The 10,000-Hour Rule? Overrated, as Daniel Coyle reported:

“It’s absolutely nuts,” the head of one nation’s soccer federation told me. “Coaches are tracking practice hours and the athletes are clocking in and out with time cards like they’re working on an assembly line. There’s no ownership, no creativity.”

[...]

The real issue here, however, is that the the 10,000-Hour rule is not really about quantity. It’s about the power of sharp, focused, high-quality practice. It’s about the massive learning differences created by intense efforts within highly engaging practice environments. We see this in the habits of high-performing groups, many of whom build their skills through a combination of short, sharp sessions and lots of restorative rest.

“For example, at La Masia, the training academy that has produced the majority of Barcelona’s world-beating soccer team, the schedule calls for organized training a mere 70 minutes per day—a figure that most U.S. travel soccer coaches would scoff at as being insufficient. But here’s the thing: it’s a world-class 70 minutes: a razor-sharp, full-tilt, meticulously planned session with far more content and engagement than any mundane, exhausting three-hour practice.

“The other benefit of this approach is that it frees the learners to spend time on their own. Real learning doesn’t happen just through organized drills; most of it happens in the off hours, when you’re fooling around, inventing games, competing, experimenting, mimicking, grappling with problems and inventing solutions. When you’re wholly engaged in the art of simple, intense play.”

So, given that the Wizards’ training and development staff is in charge, will they be able to deliver results? Not if the workout sessions look like this.

… Although, fixing that jumper wouldn’t be the worst idea. Seraphin shot career-lows from 10-15 feet (38.7%) and 16-23 feet (35%) while attempting more shots from mid-range than ever before.

Q: The team has hemorrhaged “bloggable” players over the last few years. It started with Gilly’s departure, and continued as the team shipped out personality pyrite mines Blatche, Young, McGee, and Crawford in a variety of ways. Is Kevin Seraphin the “right” type of blogging gold, another ticking time bomb, or somewhere in between?

Adam McGinnis (@AdamMcGinnis): 

I was harsh on Seraphin in my season-ending recap because his online persona had veered off into juvenile weirdness that was not humorous. I chalked some of it up to Seraphin being in a foreign country (and culture), but he should know better by now. He appeared to take the wrong lesson out of my advice and shut down most of his accounts (or made them private). His Twitter hiatus was brief. I don’t want him to cut off his access to fans, or us bloggers, but I’d rather he didn’t share borderline sexist stuff. Seraphin reminds me of Gilbert in the way he genuinely wants to interact with fans, without the cruelty that Arenas displayed during his time on Twitter. #KevinSeraphinLife still has a chance to be a positive thing and hopefully he can tighten it up to be that playful, funny guy again.

John Converse Townsend (@JohnCTownsend):

Somewhere in between, but with ridiculous upside. For all of his shortcomings over his brief and disappointing three-year career (to be fair, he has had his fair share of highlights), Seraphin is a great quote. In fact, he’s one of the best in the team locker room.

Wiz watchers would surely be happier if his game would start to do most of the talking.

And now, a TAI-curated and commented-upon series of Kevin Seraphin’s Instagram photos, featuring me, Conor Dirks (@ConorDDirks), and Kyle Weidie (@Truth_About_It), entitled:

“Summer of #KevinSeraphinLife”

Kevin's caption: "Before the game!"

“Before the game!”

DIRKS: The Peanuts Theme song as pre-game warmup is #SoSeraphin.

WEIDIE: Semi-sad news: Seraphin thinks the character on the back of his phone is the composer and performer of early-1990s tracks “Lodi Dodi,” “Ain’t No Fun,” “Murder Was The Case,” and “Tha Shiznit.”

WEIDIE: Also, who knows if the carpet matches the drapes, but the shirt does sort of match the fancy chair in the background.

Mdr delire music dans le studio de @original-LV. @kevin_seraphin @jezli9vienne de tuer un beat !!! ahahah et pas d’album en vue PSk on est trop nul mais on s’amuse de ouf !!! #kevinseraphinlife #break

Mdr delire music dans le studio de @original-LV. @kevin_seraphin @jezli9vienne de tuer un beat !!! ahahah et pas d’album en vue PSk on est trop nul mais on s’amuse de ouf !!! #kevinseraphinlife #break

EXCLUSIVE TAI TRANSLATION: “LOL delirium in @original-LV’s studio. @kevin_seraphin @Jezli9vienne killed a beat !!! ahahah and no album to PSk (phase-shift keying?!) it’s too bad but we have fun phew !!! #kevinseraphinlife #break”

WEIDIE: The way Seraphin grips his headphones with both hands while closing his eyes, you can just tell that he finally let his soul out on take soixante-neuf.

DIRKS: Seraphin’s verse was so whack that he became the first person ever arrested for “killing a beat.”

WEIDIE: Verse? I gotta figure this is the French sex sounds version of “Dueling Banjos.”

I love this guy because he want me to be the best I can be !!! #kevinseraphinlife #wizards @officialwashingtonwizards #randywittman #thorolgraffix

I love this guy because he want me to be the best I can be !!! #kevinseraphinlife #wizards @officialwashingtonwizards #randywittman #thorolgraffix

DIRKS: Randy Wittman threatening #KevinSeraphinDeath. It hurts him more than it hurts you, sweet Kevin.

WEIDIE: “Coach keeps asking me to pardon his French, mais je parle français, et Coach n’est pas parle français.” —Kev

Need at least 1500 likes 900 comments lol on this beautiful picture by Frederic Blaise #kevinseraphinlife

Need at least 1500 likes 900 comments lol on this beautiful picture by Frederic Blaise #kevinseraphinlife

WEIDIE: “This is ‘Date Kevin,’ nice to meet me. Also, short tie combined with dangling mini-purse from the belt equals more visual attention to the groin area. You’re welcome.” —Kev

DIRKS: 1) “I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself.” —Drake  2) “I’m in a computer lab and I need 1500 likes and 900 comments.” —Seraphin

I just burn 900 cal so im Tired as hell and @coachsebmorin analyzing my perf with heart rate monitor !!! #Motivation #workout #burning #kevinseraphinlife#workhard #playhard #kevinseraphinlife

I just burn 900 cal so im Tired as hell and @coachsebmorin analyzing my perf with heart rate monitor !!! #Motivation #workout #burning #kevinseraphinlife#workhard #playhard #kevinseraphinlife

DIRKS: Bae caught me needing attention.

WEIDIE: “You may think this is sensual, a nip-slip perhaps, and you would be 100% correct. Coach is simply analyzing the color my nipple changes to when I work out.” —Kev

DIRKS: Heart rate monitor? I’m betting it’s Robot Unicorn Attack 2. Or googling “How to keep your NBA BFF interested in the Twitter honey era.”

WEIDIE: Game, blouses.

Acting the fool with @steve_seraphin !! I love this guy he is so funny lol#kevinseraphinlife

Acting the fool with @steve_seraphin !! I love this guy he is so funny lol#kevinseraphinlife

WEIDIE: The actual funny part: they just left an all-night rave where only Raffi music was played… and they aren’t wearing any pants.

DIRKS: Bold, awful choices on the sunglasses by the brothers Seraphin. What do you think, Kyle? “Baby Beluga”? “Joshua Giraffe”? “The Cat Came Back”? I’m thinking “Five Little Frogs” on repeat.

WEIDIE: Actually, the D.J. had a killer 5-hour set of a “Baby Beluga” / Blink-182 / 4 Non-Blondes mashup. For the rest of the day Steve was going up to random people on the street and yelling, “I said, ‘HEY! … What’s going on?!’ ”

DIRKS: Just two guys milling around outside a run-down “DVD Shop” with quirky sunglasses and big smiles. You know what kind of DVD shops are still in business?

Check this out! #kevinseraphinlife

Check this out! #kevinseraphinlife

DIRKS: This just has me thinking more than anything about the hierarchy among Kevin’s pals. Is Coach Seb Morin the alpha pal? Lil bro Steve Seraphin? Chrisel Chianto? Seemon?

WEIDIE: It got kind of awkward when Mac from “It’s Always Sunny…” refused to dismount and they had to walk around like this for the rest of the day while Mac tried to chicken-fight people on the street.

DIRKS: I’ve continued to think about the hierarchy and I think I’ve got the definitive “#KevinSeraphinLife Buddy Power Rankings” here:

  1. Chrisel Chianto – A surprise pick, perhaps, but look carefully! Seraphin has either invented or committed to using a dedicated hashtag for his pal Chrisel…”#elchianto.”
  2. Coach Seb Morin – He’s there when Kevin wakes up, he’s taking his pulse when Kevin is shirtless, he’s doing his grocery shopping in Paris, he’s “acting a fool” in olden-timey clothing with Kevin, he’s embarrassing himself by straddling Steve Seraphin’s shoulders… His ranking at No. 2 might not be merit-based, but he’s sure as shit not letting anyone take his place.
  3. Steve Seraphin – Unconditional love. Red sunglasses. Plus, he “was there” before Kevin “blew up.”
  4. Lucky Righty – An early #KevinSeraphinLife staple who has fallen off in recent times. I’m not sure about his official role in Seraphin’s entourage, but he seems like a prime candidate to pull an “RG3’s groomsman.”
  5. Simon Barres (a k a “Seemon,” a k a co-inventor of “Segball.”) – Good-looking, receiving birthday presents from Seraphin, posting up at the Beyoncé concert with Kevin and “top dog” Chrisel Chianto… He may be new to the scene, but don’t sleep on Seemon.
Chillin outside on the sofa with @chriselchianto @seemon34 #elchianto#kevinseraphinlife #sofalife

Chillin outside on the sofa with @chriselchianto @seemon34 #elchianto#kevinseraphinlife #sofalife

WEIDIE: “We’re waiting for the nice man who drives a beat-up and windowless van to bring us our ice cream cones and candy. He’s very nice, you know.”

DIRKS: Sofaking lame. Notice the not-so-hidden “FREE” sign between Seraphin and Seemon.

WEIDIE: Yea, that ‘free’ sign… are they offering the couch or their libido to #KevinSeraphinLife-aphiles?

:) (: #kevinseraphinlife

:) (: #kevinseraphinlife

DIRKS: Selfie 101: Make sure you Windex the mirror and don a lecherous smile for maximum effect.

WEIDIE: The chandelier really pulls this selfie together. Without it, I’d totally be focused on the roll of toilet paper next to the jacuzzi bath.

10) The segball With my Bro @seemon34 We have created this sport lmao Leave some comments !!! #kevinseraphinlife

The segball With my Bro @seemon34 We have created this sport lmao Leave some comments !!! #kevinseraphinlife

WEIDIE: It’s going to be #SoWizards when Kevin Seraphin gets hurt driving the Segway that JaVale McGee sold him while trying to catch a frisbee playing this so-called sport.

DIRKS: There’s a thin red line between endearing idiosyncrasy (Spongebob and Snakey!) and driving a Segway down the middle of a busy street while trying to catch a football thrown by your friend who is wearing those “interesting” individual toe shoes. By the way, anyone heard from Snakey lately? Didn’t think so.


  • nich

    Does that phone have two Grateful Dead symbols on it?

    Snakey is dead. He got tangled up in the Segway during the sudden death overtime of the French Fries vs Freedom Fries championship game.

    It’s unfortunate, but “sudden death” just meant whoever killed snakey, smoked his organs and communed on a vision quest with Serge Gainsbourg would be the champion for now and evermore.

    • Conor Dirks

      + 9,000. At least in your story Snakey didn’t die because someone got bored with him.