Psychodiagnostik: Rorschach Tests for #SoWizards Nation
Last Friday was Hermann Rorschach’s 129th birthday. As you’ve surely deduced, yes, Rorschach was the pseudoscientific mind behind inkblot tests. The man is long gone—dead at the age of 37 in 1922—but no matter. His recent birthday gives me the opportunity to run you through a Wizards Rorschach test of sorts in the form of player shot charts, eight games into the season.
Tell me, friends, vat do you see?
Plays like … he was a mortar man in previous life, or a rec league nuisance.
Do less: Step-back shooting.
Let’s see more: Layups and plays at the hoop. You’re never too old to cut.
Bradley Emmanuel Beal
Plays like … God is watching. (He’s not. He’s a Heat fan, actually.)
Do less: Reaching on defense (move those feet).
Let’s see more: Free throw attempts and assists—help your teammates get buckets.
Eric Demarqua Maynor
Plays like … he’s underwater.
Do less: Pounding the rock on the perimeter.
Let’s see more: Slashing, pace, but mostly production.
Glen Anthony Rice, Jr.
Plays like … a rookie with a sweet tooth, fresh out the D-League.
Do less: N/A
Let’s see more: 3-balls, defense and rebounds.
Plays like … he’s scared shitless, as Randy Wittman might say.
Do less: Really…?
Let’s see more: EVERYTHING. Dunk on somebody. At the very least, try to be the Czech Birdman.
Johnathan Hildred Wall
Plays like … he has a jump shot.
Do less: Settling for jump shots (making just 23.1%).
Let’s see more: Offense out of pick-and-rolls.
Plays like … something Instagram something.
Do less: Turnovers, and hacking. You average 9.6 fouls per 36 minutes, bruh.
Let’s see more: Legitimate post moves as if you were a legitimate post player.
Plays like … he thinks he’s on a 50-win team. (He’s not even on a 40-win team.)
Do less: Dream Shaking, just get to your spots and finish.
Let’s see more: Dominatin’ D in the paint (I know you lead the team in BLK%, but still, so did JaVale McGee!).
Plays like … he wants to get as far away from the second unit as possible.
Do less: Losing your man off the ball.
Let’s see more: Dunks! Unveil the Wizard.
Maybyner Rodney Hilário
Plays like … the pain, oh, the pain, it will all be over soon.
Do less: Thinking at the free throw line. You’re shooting a career-low 55 percent.
Let’s see more: Rebounds (5th on team in ORB%, 6th in DRB%, 7th in TRB%).
Trevor Anthony Ariza
Plays like … he’s been drinking.
Do less: Shooting from above the break (26.1%).
Let’s see more: More quicker (mo’ liquor) ball movement. Pretend you play for Barcelona: one touch, two touch, pass it, GO-O-O-O-OL!
Trevor Fitzgerald Booker
Plays like … a smaller, less skilled, grittier version of Josh Smith.
Do less: Standing around in the high post.
Let’s see more: Confidence with the ball, play like #FreeBooker.
Otto Porter, Jr.
Plays like … a 404 error.
Do less: Baggy suit-wearing.
Let’s see more: Staying healthy, getting stronger with the ball, finding an NBA 3-point shot…
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.