Emails from the #SoWizards Abyss: Wizards vs Suns Penpals
Pride goeth before destruction, Wizards losses, and also before the inclusion of unadulterated emails between TAI’s Conor Dirks (@ConorDDirks) and Adam McGinnis (@adammcginnis), typed with equal measures of sage perspective and righteous fury during Washington’s game against the Phoenix Suns on Wednesday evening. That’s a bald-faced lie. It was all righteous fury.
Conor Dirks (6:54 p.m. EST)
Well, Comcast is talking about how consistent Bradley Beal has been from the perimeter lately, so it must be time to get Wizard. I’m trying to convince myself this isn’t a “big” game, because that’s overused, but the context for this game’s immensity (immensity!) comes from the game that follows (against Indiana) and the fact that the Wizards are currently two games above what amounts to the team’s bomb shelter this season, a .500 record. When losses rain from the sky, retreat to .500! Then emerge into the sparkling light of day against bad teams.
Adam McGinnis (7:09 p.m. EST)
Yeah, it was a tough road trip for those Wiz kids. When I came out of my drunken weekend fog, I could not believe the Honza revenge game actually went down. The Wizards are three games in loss column ahead of Cats for 7th and three games behind the Bulls for 3rd. Big Game tonight.
Did you realize Gwenyth Paltrow announced her marriage was over on her blog? It is a miserable site called Goop. It is the nexus for the entire universe’s narcissism. The phrase of the day is “Consciously uncouple.”
Drug joke and celebrity reference because I wanted to give a shout out to a Bill Simmons diary. Buck and Phil are ready to rock. Let the Otto Porter and Alex Len jokes begin. Gortat better play better against his old team than he did in Phoenix.
How Ariza will Ariza be tonight?
Conor Dirks (7:12 p.m. EST)
There’s the tip, and on the first play, everyone touched the ball.
And then Trevor Ariza missed a hookahstep layup. Wait, Adam, are you sure conscious uncoupling isn’t something cats do after copulation has concluded and the barbs recede?
Conor Dirks (7:25 p.m. EST)
Trevor Booker, bless his heart, is trying so damn hard. But he doesn’t have the confidence that Nene does, and he’s too predictable.
It does seem like the Wizards have been making a point to get back to the Wall-driven jump-pass-to-3-point-attempt play that defined them when they were winning.
Adam McGinnis (7:30 p.m. EST)
That Paltrow blog post. I give up. Of course the NY Magazine is on it.
I see Wizards brought back the turnovers from Colorado, two straight miscues lead to easy Suns buckets. How does Tucker start for a NBA team? How many Plumlees are there? Why do I think that every time I see a Plumlee brother?
Conor Dirks (7:36 p.m. EST)
Wall and Gortat just executed a pick-and-pop, and then P.J. Tucker hooked you with a karmic expectoration by finagling a basket around Gortat.
So, conscious uncoupling is divorcing without being a jerk? Is that what Ted Leonsis’s philosophy with front office staff and coaches? Wait until the time is right and then just stop being together? While I’ve been typing this, Drew Gooden threw down a dunk and P.J. Tucker hit a buzzer-beating 3-pointer just to spite you further. Can you promise not to make fun of any more Suns? Can I retract your Plumlee comments before his hair casts a charm spell on the entire Washington roster and they spend the rest of the game telling him that he could totally be a model?
Adam McGinnis (7:50 p.m. EST)
Tucker even did a double gun shooter after making that buzzer 3-ball, like Russ Westbrook. Well, let me get my last Miles Plumlee snark out of my system. He was at a D.C. night club last night. And his Suns teammates ( I will get to that later) hosted a party at another D.C. night spot. The Suns were getting IT IN last night in D.C.
I shouldn’t care or track these type of things but they tend to find me. Seraphin just got rocked by a Morris twin, no call and Kevin said nothing at all. Weirdly, Nene never stops complaining and Seraphin is constantly indifferent. Have you downloaded Seraphin’s app yet? Phoenix is now up 36-30. This second unit needs some energy. My only Leonsis comment is that I enjoyed his blog post today where he acknowledged the Wizards have accomplished nothing yet.
Conor Dirks (7:55 p.m. EST)
I know you’re an Android guy, and so am I. Therefore, I have not yet downloaded the Thorolgraffix app, although I’ve been inundated with commands to do so by Seraphin’s many social media accounts. I’m glad it’s an Apple exclusive. Otherwise, my curiosity would get the better of me, and I’d be $1.99 poorer.
What’s this? The Suns are raining 3-pointers and pushing the ball inside for easy buckets? Sometimes I wonder whether I over-emphasize how backwards Washington’s offense is, but then I see teams like Toronto and Phoenix playing this trendy, high-falootin’ brand of basketball, and their record reflects a talent level appreciably greater than their roster, and I think us blog types don’t talk about it enough.
Adam McGinnis (7:57 p.m. EST)
Beal is down and now on the bench. It might be something or just might be his ego.
Conor Dirks (7:58 p.m. EST)
Bradley Beal just broke every bone in his body and he’ll be back after halftime.
Adam McGinnis (8:00 p.m. EST)
This is where he turns into Wolverine.
“The Beal Who Cried Wolf” seems like a perfect photoshop.
Adam McGinnis (8:02 p.m. EST)
This is starting to feel like the recent Portland loss where the Blazers started to bomb away in the middle of the second quarter and Washington never had an answer. Suns with seven triples.
Conor Dirks (8:08 p.m. EST)
So, Bradley Beal has a hip pointer. OK.
More importantly, a group of misfits and outcasts named P.J. Tucker, Gerald Green, and Channing Frye are lighting up your Washington Wizards. Phoenix plays at the eighth-fastest pace in the NBA and are top 5 in 3-point attempts. That they are running and taking a lot of 3s shouldn’t necessarily be a shocker. And yet the Wizards aren’t running them off the 3-point line. Then again, if it were that easy…
Adam McGinnis (8:14 p.m. EST)
Looking at halftime stats, the only difference is the made 3s. Suns have eight and Wiz only two. I am making a run to corner store and will try to avoid getting hurt on the way.
Adam McGinnis (having returned from the corner store) (8:24 p.m EST)
D.C. Weather Update: Still freezing. On a related note, Wiz down 12.
Conor Dirks (8:24 p.m. EST)
Really, though, I’d like to know what Washington was planning to do in this game.
Because what they are doing is letting the Suns have whatever they like, wherever they like. Like that T.I. song, except sad and not as catchy.
Conor Dirks (8:30 p.m. EST)
I went to Israel once and visited a place called Masada, where a harried group of 960 rebels on a rock plateau all committed suicide as the Romans built a ramp up to their fortification. The last one fell on his own spear.
Huh? Oh, right, no … I wasn’t planning on tying that in.
Adam McGinnis (8:30 p.m. EST)
I am checking the App Store right now for help as Suns have nailed another 3-pointer and a lay up. Now are up 23. This game diary was a terrible idea.
Adam McGinnis (8:31 p.m. EST)
The Beal who cried wolf is checking back in. Definitely a Wolverine.
Conor Dirks (8:34 p.m. EST)
Yeah, the only thing “big” about this game is the hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
A wizard-shaped hole.
Adam McGinnis (8:34 p.m. EST)
I just checked Seraphin’s App, found this comment:
Update: this app crashes all the time. Dropping to 2 stars.
Conor Dirks (8:37 p.m. EST)
Steve Buckhantz is an angel, and the lilt of hope in his voice during that Wall throwback one-man fast break has brought me back into the fold.
And then a high-water, up-by-its-bootstraps layup by Andre Miller? Might as well call it a comeback superhighway.
Conor Dirks (8:40 p.m. EST)
There are two “d” characters in “Drew Gooden,” but … nevermind, I won’t. Drew Gooden stinks at defense.
Adam McGinnis (8:41 p.m. EST)
Suns bench is hyped like they are Mercer taking down Duke. Singleton and Porter have nice warm ups.
Conor Dirks (8:43 p.m. EST)
Well, well, well. Two John Wall 3-pointers, and it’s a 10-point game.
“One more stop,” pleads Phil Chenier, understated desperation consuming his voice like a barely audible child with sunken eyes asking for a Toasted Almond ice cream bar on a summer day at the neighborhood pool.
Then Bradley Beal fouls Eric Bledsoe. And then Ish Smith fouls John Wall on a 3-point “attempt.” The Wizards are down 10 going into the fourth quarter, which should keep some televisions humming.
Adam McGinnis (8:44 p.m. EST)
John Wall is cashing 3-balls. How miserable would this team be without his outside shooting? Cray cray. Gooden tries, though, just not that well.
Conor Dirks (8:46 p.m. EST)
“John Wall’s shot never develops” is the darkest timeline.
Adam McGinnis (8:49 p.m. EST)
Door No.1: Wizards get blown out. Door No.2: Wizards make a late run to come up short. Door No.3: Wizards win and I get a date with the Wizard girl that I recently met a local gentleman’s establishment. Decisions, decisions!
Conor Dirks (8:52 p.m. EST)
The lady or the tiger, Adam. So it has been, so it will ever be.
John Wall just left Goran Dragic crying (when he met him/when he left him) with a right-handed move and drive to the basket.
Conor Dirks (8:54 p.m. EST)
And after a John Wall alley oop to Andre Miller (who politely declined to do anything more than gently push it off the backboard and through the basket), the Phoenix lead is five points. I’m sorry about all the mean things I said. I was just sad, you know?
Adam McGinnis (8:58 p.m. EST)
Wall to Miller Oop just happened and I am sober. Wow.
Conor Dirks (9:02 p.m. EST)
Well, Washington got to within four, and then Phoenix remembered how they got all those points earlier in the game. The rain fell and washed away all the positive pixels I was ginning up. Dragic just nailed a 3-pointer and then evaded a Wall swat for a layup. Phoenix is now up 12, and don’t quote me on this, but I think the Wizards are cooked.
Wall had five assists in the first quarter, but only has one since. Five minutes left in the game.
Adam McGinnis (9:05 p.m. EST)
Did you see that Wall pass to Beal? HOLY CRAP. Bao Bao missed it, but Wall had eyes in back of his head. Dragic is starting to heat up after Wall has been embarrassing him on those sick cross overs.
My chance with the cutie are dwindling. Damn, Door No.2.
Adam McGinnis (9:07 p.m. EST)
Cheap foul on Gortat and Morris twin on the line. On a related note, the twins hosted a party last night. Hopefully, no one brought up their Jayhawks losing to Stanford.
Conor Dirks (9:09 p.m. EST)
The tiger it is, Adam.
The Game Changer is going straight at the basket on every play now. It’s like no one else is on the court. I’ve always loved that “eff you” quality about Wall, but he needs to fire it up earlier in games, and learn how to ply it through methods other than brute force.
Adam McGinnis (9:13 p.m. EST)
We are coming on to that time of the a Wizards loss where I contemplate why I spend so much of my free time on this basketball franchise. Then I found out today that 100 million people play Candy Crush, every single day. The company that owns it is now worth about $7 billion after their IPO. Then I cried inside.
Conor Dirks (9:13 p.m. EST)
They’re also telling any other games that use the words “candy” or “crush” or “saga” to cease and desist, despite the prevalence of those words. They’re truly evil.
Like that Bledsoe 3-pointer, which will haunt my dreams.
Adam McGinnis (9:14 p.m. EST)
Holy Batman. J-Dub is taking over but his UK bro Eric Bledsoe just answered. Deadly, fam.
Adam McGinnis (9:19 p.m. EST)
Falling down by 25 in a second of any basketball game, even a NBA one, is rarely ever a recipe for success. Heat and Pacers are on. And not the Knicks vs Lakers prime-time monstrosity that captive viewers were forced to shut up and swallow earlier this week.
Conor Dirks (9:20 p.m. EST)
And the cheers for free throw misses ring out in the otherwise deadened Verizon Center air. With the Wizards down eight and still 20 seconds to go, free chicken mobilizes the masses, and embarrasses everyone with a soul.
Conor Dirks (9:22 p.m. EST)
The Wizards have a date with .500 on Friday night against the Pacers. Wish I could say this was fun, Adam, but thanks for emailing with me during Washington’s 35th loss of the season. Meanwhile, Randy Wittman fiddles with his watch, which reads “please help” in microscopic font when viewed via binoculars.
Adam McGinnis (9:27 p.m. EST)
Well, better get to bed early tonight so you can hit up this hot shindig tomorrow night at Shadow Club.
PS. Yes, this is the same spot that JaVale and Andray got into an infamous fight over a groupie.
PSS. Oh, Lavoy Allen is hosting a Sweet 16 party in Washington D.C. Let that marinate…..
Adam McGinnis (9:30 p.m. EST)
Three-point totals: Suns – 14-28 (50%), Wizards – 6-19 (31.6%). A difference of eight makes and Washington loses by six. Honestly, only #Analysis you need for this one.
- Brooks is Here — Wizards Seek Redemption with New Head Coach
- Key Legislature: Wizards 120 at Nets 111 — Elusive .500 Record So Close, So Far Away
- Key Legislature: Wizards 113 vs Hornets 98 — Dancing On Their Own Grave Like Nobody’s Watching
- Key Legislature: Wizards at Pistons — You May Now Rest in Peace