What Did Otto Porter See? | Wizards Blog Truth About It.net

What Did Otto Porter See?

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Updated: October 23, 2014

Young Ottoman Simba Porter has received a lion’s share of pixel scrutiny since entering the league as a sophomore cub out of Georgetown. It was justified. Porter subsequently chewed and stewed on those pixels and set off on the path of grown-up life on his way to becoming a man (at least that’s what the Jesuits call it). A strong summer league performance (where he was first team All-Vegas) has beget a strong preseason performance (after a rather slow start in Game 1, it culminated with a duel vs. Carmelo Anthony in Game 8). Time (via injuries) plus space (via screens and defenses allowing him room) have provided opportunity. And because of last season’s struggles, Porter is a little bit more ready. For six seconds, let’s Vine…

View more: 
Otto works in the lane vs Jrue Holiday, pops out, is given space, hits the left elbow jumper.
Otto loses Ryan Anderson around Nene, pops the right elbow jumper.


 

Excuses from current team mouthpieces calling Porter’s rookie year a redshirt season, a mulligan, or what-have-you do him an injustice. Forty games, 325 minutes (including the playoffs) is certainly meager but nothing to scoff at, even if Otto, the third overall pick, played the 27th-most regular season minutes out of 42 draft picks from 2013 who saw NBA court time. Porter was bad as a rookie. Own up to it. Now it’s a new year. Don’t set out to prove the badness wrong, but rather just make it a distant memory. So far, so good … still there are hills, even mountains, to climb, but Otto the basketball utility vehicle is finally starting to surface, even if he more so equates to a Subaru Outback right now. The keys to your Dodge Durango upgrade are in sight.

With that, we open up an investigation: What did Otto Porter see?

To enhance moments of clarity filtered down from the nectar of Hoya paranoia, Otto is now sporting James Worthy-esque specs. (Or Kirk Hinrich-worthy.) They help him see a little bit more clearly, Porter claims, as he is still too ripe for Lasik eye surgery. Bless the babes in toyland.

But really, what was Porter looking at during a recent preseason game in the District? TAI is here to speculate. Conor Dirks and John Converse Townsend join me (Kyle Weidie) in the speculation.

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A rooster cackling its beak off in a vain attempt to prevent an opponent from sinking two free throws so it can devour a chicken sandwich.

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Randy Wittman and Jordan Crawford playing ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ in tank tops and beach trunks. The loser must swim 300 feet from shore without a floatation device.

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Ted Leonsis hovering like the Vitruvian Man in a clear spray-tan booth located at center court.

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The imagery of what it would be like to have a T-shirt cannon as a teammate.

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The Monumental Network Talent Showcase, featuring Billy Hoyle, now 53, dunking right over five kids in oversized swingman jerseys. Well, almost…

Hoyle’s “anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bahamian diet-drinking ass” clipped the gangly 12-year-old in the face.
THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

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A boy scout in a duck costume wearing a boy scout uniform helping an old lady push a grocery cart full of Marcin Gortat action figures across 7th Street.

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Earl Boykins carrying Gheorghe Muresan in a Baby Bjorn, which, as it turns out, ends up just being Muresan walking around with Boykins hanging from his back.

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The cutest kitten in a world ripping apart a baby turtle with a thirst for blood.

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Ernie Grunfeld moving and shaking to the “WE BUY ANY CAR DOT COM” commercial.

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 “It was never about ethics in basketball journalism.”

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 A tsunami carrying a horde of zombies. A tsuzombie. Copyright this website. (Get out of here, SyFy.)

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 Finally put the pieces together and realized there was a second shoe-pooper.

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 Jake, from State Farm, in assless chaps. Khaki.

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Himself, in the stands, twenty years older, yelling “Turn back.”

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Marcin Gortat, playing Clash of Clans on the sideline with confident alacrity, destroying Porter’s village and laughing maniacally as he strokes his goatee.

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The National Geographic documentary “Titanic: 100 Years.” (IT WAS REAL?!)

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“Oh no. Not here. Not in front of all these people. In basketball shorts? a yeti in an olive-colored snuggie grandma baseball paper cuts talking to the media.”

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On a vision quest, Otto’s spirit animal, the noble lion, reveals that he actually hated Narnia and everything it stood for, including kids.

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DunkAroos, with rainbow sprinkles.

 

MAN, what are you fools talking about?

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Kyle Weidie on EmailKyle Weidie on GoogleKyle Weidie on InstagramKyle Weidie on LinkedinKyle Weidie on TwitterKyle Weidie on Youtube
Kyle Weidie
Founder / Editor / Reporter / Writer at TAI
Kyle founded TAI in 2007 and has been weaving in and out the world of Wizards ever since, ducking WittmanFaces, jumping over G-Wiz, and avoiding stints on the DNP-Conditioning list. He has covered the Washington pro basketball team as a member of the media since 2009. Kyle lives in D.C. with his wife, loves basketball, and has no pets.